Spike Jonze’s film, Her, is currently on general release around the UK and is showing at our local cinema. Not that I shall get to see it. Cinema is one of those things I’ve more or less had to give up since having Boo and even more so since Noodles’ arrival. Kids’ films not withstanding (I could do a Mastermind round on Disney princesses) I’ve been once in the past year. Start times clash with the bedtime routine and it doesn’t seem fair to inflict that hell on anyone else. Besides which, given the chance to spend a couple of hours in a darkened room I’d rather sleep in it, but the cinema is far too booming for that. (The last proper film I saw was Gravity and thanks to the incessant booming from the speakers I came out hunched over and more stressed than I can remember being in the real world.)
Instead I form my opinion through reviews so that I can keep up if ever involved in grown-up conversations, when opinions on CBeebies just gets you a withering glance and you’re left out on your own. I want to be best mates with Claudia Winkleman and adore Danny Leigh, so Film 2014 is practically part of my social life. In my Bubble World (the place in my head where everything is shiny and fun and I look like Rosie Huntington-Whiteley) the conversation isn’t conducted through the medium of TV, but over several rounds in a pub. Obviously in Bubble World hangovers don’t exist.
In large part thanks to Claudia and Danny, my original scepticism about the film was overturned. Initially it seemed ridiculous that someone could fall in love with an operating system, even if it did sound like Scarlett Johansson. But Claudia and Danny loved the film. Everyone loved the film. It got me thinking and started to make sense once I realised:
Falling In Love With My Computer Would Be Better Than Being Married To My Husband.
1) It could sound like George Clooney. The aural equivalent to the most luxuriously creamy-yet-bitter Belgian chocolate, that melts over my brain. Mmmmmm. It wouldn’t put on a fake Cockney (Mockney?) accent when talking to mates in a bid to sound hard. Or slip into a dodgy Russian accent for no reason at all.
2) Husband spends all of his spare time on his computer, ignoring the rest of us. Having a relationship with the computer would mean I would get more of a meaningful conversation. From my preference settings it would know what would interest me and wouldn’t just point out stories about killer spiders invading Britain.
3) It would actually register the things that I said. (Although it would mean I could no longer get away with claiming that I’d mentioned something previously when I hadn’t – eg ‘But I told you I was going out with my friends last week and you agreed to babysit,’ or ‘What this top? No, it’s not new, I’ve had it for ages.’)
4) It could also be relied upon to remember birthdays, addresses, friends’ partner’s/kids’ names, rather than it always being me whose expected to remember.
5) If we disagreed I could just switch it off.
6) I wouldn’t expect it to do anything practical around the house, such as help with childcare, DIY or housework, so I wouldn’t be disappointed when it didn’t.
7) But then I’d have more free time for the kids, DIY and housework since I wouldn’t have to clear away after it.
8) It also wouldn’t have any stuff so the wardrobe would be completely mine again.
9) And it wouldn’t hog the duvet or use my towel after a shower.
10) It wouldn’t pass comment on what I eat or pinch food from my plate or help itself to my was-meant-to-be-secret-and-for-emergency-use-only chocolate stash.
11) Birthday/Christmas presents would no longer be epic fails. I’d just order my own gift. Reaction: ‘Ah, just what I wanted.’
12) It would never get stuck in its ways, always happy to upgrade. And if it did become annoyingly slow and unresponsive I could start again with a shinier, brighter, newer model.
The more I think about it, the more I think Joaquin Phoenix’s character was onto something. Does anyone know where I can get Husband 2.0?