Mum, 2.0

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It’s a funny thing, to see a new and improved version of yourself, living the life you’d like to live. But with Boo and Noodles involved in the world of modelling it’s something I’ve encountered a fair bit, especially with Boo. There will be my child in the house if my dreams made real next to a woman who looks like me only in so far as she (usually) has brown hair and blue eyes. Without exception she stands several inches taller and is several dress sizes smaller. She’s usually a good decade younger than me too. It’s another world. One in which I’d rather like to live.

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This much I know about the new improved me:

1) She had kids really young
Boo is now 6. Any 2.0 brothers are usually older. 2.0 mums are usually in their early twenties. I’m not sure the intention of the casting directors is ever to make teen pregnancy seem like a good idea. But harried 30-something mums are not aspirational.

2) Her toned stomach suggest she never had kids
That’ll be because she didn’t. The kids must surely have been adopted or grown in a lab.

3) There must be a 24/7 nanny
Otherwise how does she have all the hours for the gym, the hairdresser and the immaculate make-up? Mum 2.0 never goes out in jeans with banana on them or has to choose between applying lipstick and making the packed lunch.
On one shoot I was actually assumed to be Boo’s nanny rather than her mum:
‘Oh, I know whose daughter she is.’
‘Yes, mine.’
‘Oh, not who I thought then.’
But then there were nannies on tap and even a butler that day. It was rather fabulous. Having staff definitely makes a day run more smoothly.

4) Her house is immaculate
The children must never eat chocolate as everything is a shade of white and nothing is stained. If there is a hint of a toy it will be a wooden rocking horse or vintage-style racing car. It’s never a mass of brightly-coloured plastic scattered all over the lounge floor.

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5) Dad 2.0 is absolutely gorgeous.
All strong jaw and six-pack. Caring, family-orientated and obviously with an amazingly well-paid job.
Walking in on Dad 2.0 changing in the back of a car on one location shoot as I went to retrieve Boo’s coat was no hardship, I promise you.

6) Her days are spent tripping around trendy boutiques, farmers’ markets and hip little cafes
The children never grumble about joining Mum 2.0 on a shopping trip. But then maybe the organic greengrocers followed by a babyccino doesn’t compare with a slog around Sainsbury’s.
This all only happens in London, obviously. The only time things that happen outside London are…

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7) …Holidays, which are Swallows & Amazons affairs taken on the North Norfolk coast
Ah, so near and yet so far. We live in West Norfolk. Still, our trips to the coast don’t bear any resemblance to Mum 2.0’s. Where are the bags and bags of essential plastic tut and the journey home in soggy pants and seething silence?

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8)…and Christmas, which is spent in a log cabin in the hills, a scene of utter serenity framed in fairy lights
No last-minute Christmas shopping for Mum 2.0. But possibly because Christmas for her happens in mid-July? Which makes the roaring log fire less than essential. But we’re talking style-over-practicality, so in their own way the flames are essential.

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Really my body, my hair, my house, my life doesn’t compare with Mum 2.0. But I do love getting a peak at my upgraded life, these other universes where everything is shiny and the children always behave. And I get to take the best bit home with me – my daughter. Although, how come she never looks so tidy and groomed for me?

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