Toilet Training Husband

Dear Husband,

Firstly, let me start with a positive. After 12 years of living in a predominantly female household I would like to congratulate you on getting your head around the concept of putting the toilet seat down. Moreover, for (mostly) keeping to this despite the shift in dynamics recently to a male-dominated house. Thank you.

However, it has come to my annoyance that you seem unable to change a toilet roll. Which is odd, as I remember you coping perfectly well when you lived alone. It’s something you seem to have forgotten how to do over the years, the same as cooking, cleaning and not throwing your dirty washing across the room in the hope that they sort themselves in the laundry.

Now, you may argue that you never leave an empty toilet roll on the holder. I would argue that a single sheet of paper is never sufficient for wiping purposes and therefore the roll needs changing. No matter how artfully you drape that last sheet over the tube.


May I suggest instead that you give the following instructions your full attention and implement when next confronted with the need to change a roll:

1) New toilet rolls are easy to find. In the smaller bathroom they’re located on the shelves, underneath the spare hand towels (and above the cleaning products, but I wouldn’t expect you’d recognise them.)

20140324-131100.jpgCan you spot the toilet rolls in this picture?

In the larger bathroom they’re kept in a basket right next to the toilet. You can even remain seated to complete the task there. And yet you seem incapable. It’s amazing how lazy a person can be.

2) You’ll need to remove the empty tube before attempting to put the new one on. Simply depress one end of the retractable dowel. See, it’s not voodoo magic that releases the tube!

This is even easier in the larger bathroom as the tube will simply slide off. Amazing!


3) Slide a full toilet roll onto the holder, replacing the dowel to it’s original position if necessary.


NB. For the sake of our marriage I would advise that you hang the roll so that the paper hangs over the roll, as pictured below. But, it’s your decision – you do what you think is best.


You have now successfully changed a toilet roll.

Your next challenges will be to flush the chain after every visit, to familiarise yourself with toilet cleaner and to resist from splashing water everywhere when washing your hands (or at least mopping up after yourself).

But one step at a time. Give yourself a pat on the back. And remember to repeat as needed from here on in.

Yours with thanks
Wife. Xx


10 thoughts on “Toilet Training Husband”

  1. Okay, we’ve got to get you more followers. What’s going on here?? This was HYSTERICAL and I’m the first like AND comment? Well, It’s my honor to rave about this piece. But first you must do me a favor and add an “e” onto my absolutely favorite line in the whole piece. “No matter how artfully you drap that last sheet over the tube.” (sorry, that’s the OCD in me)

    Okay so I read this earlier whilst out walking my dog and laughed so hard the neighbor lady just stared and stared. (It’s okay, she needed a brow lift) You really must submit this to conventional women’s subscription magazines. Here in the states I would recommend Women’s Day and Good Housekeeping but I don’t know what you have in your corner of the world?

    Love the letter format, love the photos, Love the style. Love it all!!

    1. I’m glad there’s at least you out there, Steph. Believe me, I have a whole catalogue of guidance letters in my head. Posting them online is at least cathartic.
      I’ll get on the ‘drape’ thing straight away.
      Apologies for scaring your neighbour.

    1. Thank you. The joy of blogging: catharsis to prevent, ok, delay, total insanity. Because Husband must never read my blog he continues to ignore toilet roll changing issues. But I know that I’ve got a good post out of his loo roll blindness.
      BTW, I always love a pun. Thank you for commenting. 🙂

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