I don’t know if you’ve heard, but George Clooney and I got engaged this weekend. Look how happy he is. I haven’t stopped smiling either, although my left arm is starting to ache from the size of the diamond I’m now carrying it around. But still, no pain no gain.
Obviously this didn’t happen in this universe, which is why the
jealousy focus is much more on Amal Alamuddin right now. But in some parallel universe many light years away (or maybe just in my head) there we are, holing up whilst the ‘world’ goes crazy and women everywhere sob into their pillows.
I know he said he would never marry again, but my acerbic wit and ability to swear like a trooper in Italian to the paparazzi won him over. Plus, there will be no interest whatsoever in anyone taking my photo in a bikini whilst I languish on the deck of his luxury yacht. Those telescopic lenses are expensive – no pap wants theirs broken by the sheer hell of the images they’re trying to photo (ie my backside) and no one wants to be put off their breakfast with grotesque pap snaps.
I’m never likely to be confused as his daughter/niece either. His carer in years to come, maybe, but I can cope with that.
Obviously this wedding business is going to require a lot of work. I mean, who wants Angelina Jolie as a maid of honour?! In going to have to become a fan of the liquid diet for the next few months (and I don’t
just mean of the alcoholic variety – maybe Gwyneth can offer me advice on macrobiotic juicing, if not marriages).
Obviously in this parallel universe you, my blogging friends, are real-life bosom buddies, so you will all be invited to the wedding. We’re thinking Italy, so make sure your passports are valid. Top secret invites will be in the post/delivered by dove shortly. Please keep all details top secret, otherwise
we will have to have you shot you may be involved in an accident.
Anyway, I shan’t go on…at least until Hello! ask me for further details and an exclusive photoshoot. Ah, the hardships of a Hollywood life.
(Now, I don’t suppose anyone knows the way to whatever particular parallel universe it is that I need? In the meantime I’m off for some soggy alone time with my pillow.)