Living Up to the Fiction


Help! Tomorrow I’m going to have to do something I haven’t really had to do for the past 6 years. I’m going to have to pretend to be a normal grown-up person. I have a job interview! Even in my last job I mostly pranced around with pre-schoolers, pretending to be a fairy, thus negating the need to be in any way mature or sensible, so it’s definitely been a while.

This scares the bejeezers out of me, not least of all because I have ZERO experience of the role I applied for as an estate agency negotiator, although in fairness I did explicitly point this out in my covering letter. But I’ve never even been on the other side of the estate agency table, having never had to properly BUY a house as I just stayed living in the family home and bought the house from my mum’s estate after she died.

Which sounds fancy, but actually just meant that my dad had been paying the mortgage, which was in my mum’s name, after she died. That is at least until the mortgage company phoned and, thinking they were just another cold caller, I told them that they’d need a pretty good phone line to get through to the afterlife. After which it was a scramble to find the least disreputable mortgage-provider willing to give my sister and I a mortgage. I think they pretty much looked like this:


Moreover, the company is perhaps the most prestigious estate agency in town. It’s the window you walk by and pick which property you’d buy were you to win the lottery.

Today, I’d choose this one. Sigh.

Not really the ideal employer of someone who doesn’t have a clue.

I only really applied because the hours were suitable to avoid daycare for Noodles, being purely at the weekend. (Actually only alternate Saturdays, which should piss Husband off less should i miraculously get it as he’d only have to care for the kids twice a month.) And it seemed a more interesting position than the usual family-friendlier jobs available. I’m a firm believe in going for an opportunity when it’s presented…but I didn’t actually believe I’d get anywhere. (Perhaps I’d best not tell them this tomorrow.)

Now, obviously either a) they’re completely desperate or b) I’ve been invited along to provide some light relief amongst the proper applicants, like the loser auditionees on Britain’s Got Talent, but either way they want to talk to me. Eek!

What are my chances of learning property law overnight?

Clearly, my CV didn’t reflect the real me. It used terms like ‘hard-working’ and ‘aspire to exceed expectation’. In truth I’m very good at looking busy whilst actually just feeling like a fraud and I can exceed expectation when it comes to eating an entire packet of biscuits, but I’m not sure that’s really what they’re looking for. Perhaps I should have told the truth, but ‘extensive knowledge of all Disney films’ and ‘capacity to be completely obsessed with checking my WordPress reader whilst keeping a toddler entertained’ wouldn’t have got me any further than having my CV ‘executively filed’ (ie put in the waste paper basket).

The only negotiating I do in my day-to-day life is talking Noodles out of eating an entire extra large bag of chocolate buttons in one go or getting Boo to go to bed in exchange for the chance to watch a DVD. Oh my God, what have I done? They’re going to ask me questions and I won’t have a single non-ridiculous answer.

Perhaps just making myself look more polished than normal will at least stop total and utter humiliation. What’s the betting it will rain tomorrow and Noodles will leave a chocolate smudge on my dress that I won’t be aware of until mid-interview. Hardly the ideal way to prove either my ‘professional attitude to work’ or how I pay ‘close attention to detail.’

Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God!

I suppose on the upside I’ll get a nice coffee in the fancy hotel in town. And without a toddler in tow, climbing over the furniture and disturbing the other customers. That will make a nice change to normal.

Now, where do you think I can get a reference from? I don’t suppose it’s ok to ask Boo is it? What a shame. At least she would write something nice (in exchange for sweets).


15 thoughts on “Living Up to the Fiction”

  1. Keep calm and carry on! You are in total win/win situation here and don’t even see it! First, if you do succeed in getting said job, you can rejoice in the fact that a) you are contributor to family income b) you get “legal” time off from toddlerville! c) you have to shop for new wardrobe to support your newly-elevated status! Second, if you do not succeed in getting new job, then a) you don’t have to worry about evil deeds husband could possibly do while you’re out (i.e. leaving all messes for you to clean on your return, not feeding offspring proper meals, etc.) b) you can gleefully proclaim your absolute willingness (evidenced by said interview) to try and help the finances of family and go on to expound about how you were shot down by dastardly interviewer! (all the while relishing the fact that you now have solid reason to continue as you were!) and/or c) you will entitled to sympathy care from husband (and anyone else you deem worthy) due to bullying you obviously were put through by dastardly interviewer (and if you’re good at this, you can milk this one into some pretty nice additions to your life {i.e. cooperative husband, time out to “contemplate” on your own, sympathy shopping so you can “feel like a real person,” etc.}) Yep, am thinking you’re actually well set with this little thing…..What’s an interviewer anyway but someone shallow enough to give up time with or even the existence of children of their own, huh? Keep it in perspective over there! (But I wish you luck either way you decide you want it to go!)

    1. Thank you! You’re very right: it’s absolutely a win:win. And I get to hang out in a nice hotel for the afternoon. That’s far fancier than my normal Wednesday afternoon.
      Thank you for the support and positive spin. ๐Ÿ™‚

    1. Very true. I think I’ve been a fraud in every single job I’ve had. Particularly when I had to convince little people that I was a fairy princess. If I can pull that off, surely I can prove I’m capable of sitting at a computer and subduing the desire to spin around on the chair?

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