Rules of Soft Play


Children must be supervised at all times by a parent/responsible adult.
Supervision: remaining in the same room as your child. You should sporadically check on their whereabouts/well being. Pretend not to notice when said child breaks the rules/another child, but be on the scene quicker than Superman should anything happen to said child, tut-tutting at the irresponsibility of other parents.

You see those age restriction signs? Ignore them. Everyone else does.
Just don’t come running to us when your toddler falls down the 10ft slide or your 11-year-old son gets assaulted by a parent after treading on their baby in the pre-school area.

Please remove shoes and loose articles of clothing.
Please keep pants on at all times however.

Socks must be worn at all times
…although you will lose at least one sock per child in the ball pit.

Boo also lost her body and legs in ours.

The soft play accepts no responsibility for the loss of any valuables.
Finders keepers, losers weepers.

Dads, please remember that the soft play area is for the benefit of your children, not yourselves.
Keep a lid on your ‘enthusiasm’ for charging around and book a day paint balling with your mates instead.

Mums, however, are obviously encouraged to fill their boots with fun.

Only slide one at a time down the slide.
And if it looks too big for your backside it probably is. Don’t risk it, fatty.

No climbing up the outside of the play equipment.
We all love a fireman, obviously, but we could do without the bad publicity again.

Please take caution when confronted with any wet patches.
It could be water from our thoroughly ignored cleaning policy. It could be spilt drink. It could be something far worse.

Well done, them. No kids have peed their pants today.

Ear-splitting shrieking is actively encouraged.
But only from the children. Parents, please take your disagreements outside.

Yes, the coffee is rank.
But they don’t approve of your kids running amok in that nice coffee shop in town, so what’cha gonna do?

Numbers will be limited
…to just past the point where it’s safe/enjoyable. Please ignore all calls that your time is up to ensure this tipping point is met.

All children must cry at least once for a visit to be deemed a success.
Injury, unfair play/bullying and parental demands to go home are all legitimate reasons for tears. Achieve all three and the child will be rewarded with a balloon on their departure.*

*Additional costs applicable. But thanks for getting them to stop that hideous noise.

Please feel free to report any concerns or complaints to management or a member of massively underpaid and disinterested staff.
Please be assured we will do our utmost to ignore them completely.

We hope you enjoy your visit. Good luck!

And in case you think MY rules are scary/ridiculous, check out the tenth rule on the real-life list of soft play rules below:

‘It is forbidden to…PLAY WITH FIRE within the play area’!!! No shit, Sherlock! But outside the play area is fine, right?


6 thoughts on “Rules of Soft Play”

  1. This was really great! My fave was # (wait, you intentionally didn’t number them just to make me crazy (er), right?) the one with the coffee shop. The pictures are just darling as well, but that’s as always. I love how you make real life so outlandish. Or are you making outlandish real life? ?

    1. Haha. I think a couple of hours sat in the soft play area always pushes me towards madness. The noise, the awful lighting, the other people and the fact that it’s meant to be fun, but there are always, ALWAYS, tears.
      And then they serve the very rankest coffee in the world, but they’ve started glaring at me in the nice coffee shop because Noodles won’t sit still.
      But I do like trying to twist some sort of funny out of it. I’m glad you liked it. 🙂

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