Failures of the Tooth Fairy


Boo woke up with a gappy smile on her face yesterday morning.

Boo: My tooth fell out in the night! Look!

I gasped, not at the sight of a tooth gap a mere week away from a potential shoot, but at the thought that she might expect the Tooth Fairy to have already been.

Me: Oh, what did you do with the tooth?

Boo: I just put it on the side.


Me: Oh, we’ll done, sweetie. I’m sure you’ll be first on the Tooth Fairy’s list for tonight.

Now, admit it, who is responsible for coming up with the idea of the Tooth Fairy? Having to extract something tiny from under the pillow of a SLEEPING child, and replacing it with money – as if they don’t already fleece us enough! Whoever came up with the idea was either a numpty who really didn’t think it through and made a rod for all of our backs, or they really really hated parents and wanted to give us just another hoop to jump through whilst they stood back and pointed and laughed.

Either way, isn’t it time the Tooth Fairy got more up to date? All day yesterday I wondered where I was going to get the requisite £2 from. Who carries cash any more? I could raid the loose change piggy bank, but I surely would have been rumbled, stumbling into Boo’s room in the dead of night, chinking 40 five pence pieces.

Isn’t it time the Tooth Fairy did bank transfers?

May self-serve tills never EVER replace real people on checkout tills. £3.99 on a bag of chocolate buttons and some milkshake powder and I got to explain to the cashier why I very much needed a £2 coin amongst my change. A machine would have given me a £5 note and a £1 coin – or a mountain of five pence pieces, they always seem to spew 5ps at me…which is why we’ve got the loose change piggy bank – which would have been no use either way. But the girl on the till just laughed and gave me three £2 coins, which the sensible me would stash away for the next two teeth, but the actual me will spend on bus fares and emergency chocolate no doubt.

Cash sorted, all I now had to do was the nocturnal sleight of hand trick. I promised myself that I wouldn’t forget like I did with Boo’s first tooth, sidling in with the money and depositing it under the pillow with a wake up hug, but missing the intended letter reassuring that her newly-appointed tooth fairy had indeed found the tooth that had fallen out outside the library on the way back from dancing.

My God, how we scoured that pavement and I kept my eyes peeled for weeks after lest Boo spotted her tooth and wanted to know why the fairies hasn’t bothered to collect it.

Except, thanks to Noodles waking at 5.15 yesterday morning – who wants to play at 5.15am?! What is wrong with toddlers?! – I was ready to sleep as soon as both children were asleep. Snuggled up with Noodles, all cosy and snug and…zzzzzzzzz. Oops.

And so it was, at 7 o’clock this morning I the Tooth Fairy was writing Boo a letter, sprinkling it with glitter fairy dust and depositing it under her pillow, shortly before waking her up for breakfast.

The Tooth Fairy letter. Tooth brushing reminder and chance to make your child aware that they’re ALWAYS being watched. 😉 Obviously there are more complex versions on Pinterest, but this will suffice for the good-enough mum.

The trouble with the morning stealth exchange is that there isn’t time to dispose of the tooth, so I merely tried to tuck the little purse it was in down the back of the mattress, hoping that Boo would be satisfied with her letter and cash – mostly the cash – and leave the rest. But no! Boo lifted her pillow…to see the tooth sat on her mattress, slipped from the purse.

Boo: Oh. The tooth is still there!

Me: Oh no! The Tooth Fairy must have dropped it. She’ll have to come back again and get it. She must have been devastated when she found she didn’t have it.

The advantage of an accumulated 47 years of parenting is that I can spin a convincing story on the spot. (My master stroke however was convincing the twins that Santa had installed CCTV in the car and her could see them fighting in the back. I even pointed out an attachment near the driver sunshade that I convinced them was a camera and microphone. Immediate peace ruled the journey as well as subsequent trips. Feel free to use it yourself.)

So this morning I convinced Boo to leave her tooth in her fairy house so that the Tooth Fairy can come and visit. More fairy dust, another letter and the disposal of the tooth. The question is, do I do it whilst she’s at school (easier) or to wait until tonight, because everyone knows the Tooth Fairy only comes at night…


…Unless the Tooth Fairy happens to be a forgetful, sleep-deprived mum still hoping to keep the magic alive.

* * * * *


I decided that the Tooth Fairy would be permitted to return during the day. After all, she’d have been distraught at leaving such a precious tooth behind.

So, a second letter has been written and Boo’s fairy house is now liberally dusted in fairy dust where ‘Tamara’ has been having a lovely play.


Now just to decide what to do with the tooth. Putting it in the rubbish seems weird, but keeping it seems even weirder.


3 thoughts on “Failures of the Tooth Fairy”

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