Mysteries of Family Life

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Why do things only turn up when you’ve stopped looking for them?

Being short-sighted is a vicious cycle. Every morning I need my glasses to see, but I need to see in order to find my glasses.

There are usually some go-to places that I can turn to without bumping into too many things where I’ll usually find them abandoned: the bedside table, the table next to the sink, my dressing table. But a week ago they were in none of these places.

Luckily I also have a stockpile of contact lenses, but if I wear them for too long my eyes dry out. With Noodles’ f*cked up sleeping patterns (napping at dinnertime and then awake until 1am) this hasn’t been a good thing. I needed my glasses.

I even went so far as to look for a replacement pair. Unfortunately whatever I try I look either like Nana Mouskouri

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or Su Pollard.

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Plus I definitely have glasses issues since, age 16, on needing my first pair of specs, my mum told me ‘You’ve got a plain face, maybe glasses will make you look better.’ I swear they based Mother Gothel on my mum.

Shopping for a suitable pair of glasses is about as traumatic as searching for the perfect pair of jeans. So it was with great relief that I finally found them yesterday…hidden under the duvet at the bottom of Noodles’ bed! God only knows how they got there or why I didn’t find them any other morning when I’ve made his bed. But I’m more than relieved to have them back.

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But the mysteries don’t stop there. Even putting aside big issues like ‘What happened to Flight 370?’ and ‘Will Iraq ever be able to sort itself out?’ family life is filled with a million WTF? moments. Here are the most pressing ones at time of writing:

How many times can Noodles tip out the same box of toys as soon as I’ve tidied it up?

How many bits of Sylvannian Family can I vacuum up before Boo notices?

Why do people open a new packet of cereal/bottle of milk before finishing the old one?

Who doesn’t know how to use a bin, returning empty juice bottles to the fridge or leaving empty wrappers on the sofa?
Actually, I know whose guilty for the juice bottles. Clue: it hasn’t happened since last Thursday, since a certain someone went to Brazil.

Why can’t the same person, then, return a full bottle of milk to the fridge, instead leaving it next to the kettle every time he makes a cup of tea?

Why don’t the laws of physics work on cutlery and glasses?
They always seem to go up(stairs) but never come back down.

Where do the odd socks go?

Is my ironing basket actually bottomless?

Can dirty laundry/wet towels actually put themselves in the wash if left on the floor for long enough?
My family certainly seem to think so.

Why can the calendar be empty for weeks, but then everything is suddenly scheduled for the same sodding day?
Worst has to have been a day last December where the school fayre clashed with a friend’s daughter’s birthday party, which we then had to leave early from to get Boo to a dance show that I couldn’t help at as I had a dinner dance to go to. But with the end of term looming things have started to clash left right and centre again.

Why does the weather turn to shit the second something’s planned for outdoors?
And when it is ok to go outside, why do you then discover the garden has been taken over by spiders?!

Why do toddlers, teens and husbands never listen?

Why does the first 20% of my phone’s battery last longer than the last 20%?
Ditto my petrol gauge.

Why does unhealthy food taste so goddam good and healthy stuff ranges from ‘meh’ to ‘I’m never putting THAT in my mouth again!’
And yes, men, I know what you’re thinking, but no, I don’t think you can convince us to do that based on the idea that it must then be healthy for us. We’re not falling for it in much the same way that we won’t be convinced to eat nothing but celery, even if it will make us skinny.

Why, when I get in from work, does parenting – and the rest – start from the second I get through the door, yet it only falls to Husband when World War 3 is about to break out and there’s nobody else around to deal with it?

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Why did I marry Husband exactly?

Considering the number of shoes I own, why don’t I have a single pair that are both practical and watertight?

Why are the most beautiful shoes tantamount to torture to wear?
You’ve got to pity poor Dorothy and Cinderella, really.

Why do jeans only fit perfectly when trying them on in the shop?
One wash later they’ve simultaneously become too tight and too baggy in all the wrong places and shrunk by just that bit too much in the leg. Even the far-too-expensive ones.

Since when was it ok to pluck facial hair in public?
It was just about understandable to see threading bars pop up in the drugstore and at make-up counters (but then why were they always in the window?). But in the supermarket? Or in what is essentially a perspex box in the middle of the high street? Really? I really hope it stops at eyebrows and facial hair, but can see a time when people will be getting a vajazzle whilst they pack their shopping! Eew.

Why do much cushions never look like they do on Pinterest?
Actually, why does nothing ever look like it does on Pinterest?

Why do people only ever pop round unexpectedly when the house is a pit and I’m dressed like a tramp?
And, no, it’s NOT because the house is always messy and I’m always shabby. Ok, maybe it is a little bit.

There are more, but my head might explode if I start contemplating this stuff too hard.

Besides, Noodles is clamouring for me to put a Peppa Pig DVD on. Which begs the question, how many times can I be subjected to Peppa Pig’s Holiday before I go insane?

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11 thoughts on “Mysteries of Family Life”

  1. I can’t believe you forgot…”Why can’t men change the loo roll?” OMG….that was the post that won my heart! Seriously though….I laughed so hard I almost fell off my chair reading your To Mum and To Dad lists…that is a true classic!

    1. With Husband away it’s not being used nearly as much and isn’t left as an empty roll. Otherwise, normally, it would be right up there, but I thought just this once I’d let it go.
      I’m already getting twitchy at the thought of him coming back and being all shades of lazy all over the house though.

  2. Brilliant, funny piece of writing but in our house the socks are always in the most unusual places because they have been stolen by a crazy collie (Ellie) her favourite place is on the path to the house or in the garden. This is ok with socks but bra’s and knickers?

  3. Your post reminds me that I have to make an appointment with the optician to get a new pair of glasses…Mine are really old and scratched (so not safe to wear for driving not that I wear them outside the house much) – I look terrible in glasses so it will be a traumatic experience. And I’m so with you on the other mysteries – I’m forever finding cereal bars wrappers and empty juice cartons in the living room which drives me mad and my kids have to be reminded every night to put their dirty clothes in the laundry basket (if husband is in charge they stay on the floor as he doesn’t pick up after himself let alone anyone else) OK I will stop now, could go on and on but will take a deep breath and pour a glass of wine instead! X

    1. Wine may not solve the mysteries (even the Scoobie gang would be hard-pressed to work these ones out)…but it does seem to matter a lot less once the cork is popped (which is why I’m on my second glass). Ahhhhh.

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