For fuck’s sake.
Technology makes out that it’s so goddam EASY, whereas in reality it’s just an entertainment tease.
Again, thanks to tight-arse Husband refusing to stump up £60 for a new Sky+ box when ours broke down, thus reducing us to inflexible television viewing (and making me miss the Oscars) I missed last week’s penultimate episode of Fargo.
Never mind, I thought at the time, I’ll catch up online.
Maybe for most people it is easy, but I very definitely am illiterate when it comes to all matters technological. You know it’s bad when you can’t get through the 3 easy steps of setting up a Now TV box.
By dint of some miracle both children were asleep in bed by 8 o’clock tonight too. Perfect! I could catch up with last week’s episode on 4oD, I thought, just in time to watch the season finale.
Except technology, having teased me with the suggestion that that could be an option, then had to whip its proffered handshake away and stick its tongue out at me instead.
I started with my Kindle HD. It’s got internet connection after all. Should be easy. ‘Should‘ being the operative word.
First Channel 4’s website told me that I’d need to download its tablet-friendly app. Can nothing be done without an app any more? Still, if it meant I can access what I wanted to, fair enough.
Except – gah! – I needed my Google password. I typed it in as I remembered it. No. I checked my password list. (Because who can remember all of their passwords? No matter how many times they say not to write things down there’s no way on earth I’ve got the brain capacity to remember them all, especially when there are random CaPitaL leTterS and numb3r5 involved.) I typed that in instead. No. WTF? Apparently I changed my Google password 8 months ago. A vague recollection…but unfortunately NOT as to what my current password is.
So a(nother) password re-set. A wait for a text message. But finally, SUCCESS! I was in…
…only to be met with the helpful message from Google Play to say that I didn’t have a device.
God knows what I was holding in my hands then.
I have no clue as to how to get the ether to recognise something tangible (clearly) so I gave up. It was now past 8.30pm. Even with an allowance for a lack of TV ads, I would have to watch the ‘real-time’ episode on +1.
Channel4.com tantalised me once more. Fargo was RIGHT THERE. It said I could watch it!
Except I couldn’t . Because I needed to have the right version of Flash Player and I, obviously, didn’t.
And upgrading? Not a chance! Because there were options, all of which were words that I recognise as being words, but which made absolutely NO SENSE. Who invented tech jargon? Was it purposefully done with the intent of stitching me up?!
I had one option left: to try and watch on my phone. Teeny tiny screen, but better than nothing.
Guess what option I got?
For the sake of my sanity I decided to cut my losses. Unless it’s repeated I shall never quite know what happened in Season 1, Episode 9 of Fargo. Some people got shot in a lift in Vegas. By that point I rather wished I was one of them and had been put out of my misery.
But I did switch on the TV just time to see an orang-utan give birth and eat the placenta. There are some things in life you just can’t un-see.
Thanks for that, 4oD. And Kindle and Flash Player and Google. And Husband. I’m blaming you all. Thanks for absolutely nothing.