Shoot Me, Lorne Malvo. Shoot Me, Please.

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For fuck’s sake.

Technology makes out that it’s so goddam EASY, whereas in reality it’s just an entertainment tease.

Again, thanks to tight-arse Husband refusing to stump up £60 for a new Sky+ box when ours broke down, thus reducing us to inflexible television viewing (and making me miss the Oscars) I missed last week’s penultimate episode of Fargo.

Never mind, I thought at the time, I’ll catch up online.

Yeah, right.

Maybe for most people it is easy, but I very definitely am illiterate when it comes to all matters technological. You know it’s bad when you can’t get through the 3 easy steps of setting up a Now TV box.

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They made it sound so easy. Liars.

By dint of some miracle both children were asleep in bed by 8 o’clock tonight too. Perfect! I could catch up with last week’s episode on 4oD, I thought, just in time to watch the season finale.

Except technology, having teased me with the suggestion that that could be an option, then had to whip its proffered handshake away and stick its tongue out at me instead.

I started with my Kindle HD. It’s got internet connection after all. Should be easy. ‘Should‘ being the operative word.

First Channel 4’s website told me that I’d need to download its tablet-friendly app. Can nothing be done without an app any more? Still, if it meant I can access what I wanted to, fair enough.

Except – gah! – I needed my Google password. I typed it in as I remembered it. No. I checked my password list. (Because who can remember all of their passwords? No matter how many times they say not to write things down there’s no way on earth I’ve got the brain capacity to remember them all, especially when there are random CaPitaL leTterS and numb3r5 involved.) I typed that in instead. No. WTF? Apparently I changed my Google password 8 months ago. A vague recollection…but unfortunately NOT as to what my current password is.

So a(nother) password re-set. A wait for a text message. But finally, SUCCESS! I was in…

…only to be met with the helpful message from Google Play to say that I didn’t have a device.

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God knows what I was holding in my hands then.

I have no clue as to how to get the ether to recognise something tangible (clearly) so I gave up. It was now past 8.30pm. Even with an allowance for a lack of TV ads, I would have to watch the ‘real-time’ episode on +1.

Deep sigh.

Channel4.com tantalised me once more. Fargo was RIGHT THERE. It said I could watch it!

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Except I couldn’t . Because I needed to have the right version of Flash Player and I, obviously, didn’t.

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And upgrading? Not a chance! Because there were options, all of which were words that I recognise as being words, but which made absolutely NO SENSE. Who invented tech jargon? Was it purposefully done with the intent of stitching me up?!

I had one option left: to try and watch on my phone. Teeny tiny screen, but better than nothing.

Guess what option I got?

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For the sake of my sanity I decided to cut my losses. Unless it’s repeated I shall never quite know what happened in Season 1, Episode 9 of Fargo. Some people got shot in a lift in Vegas. By that point I rather wished I was one of them and had been put out of my misery.

But I did switch on the TV just time to see an orang-utan give birth and eat the placenta. There are some things in life you just can’t un-see.

Thanks for that, 4oD. And Kindle and Flash Player and Google. And Husband. I’m blaming you all. Thanks for absolutely nothing.

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9 thoughts on “Shoot Me, Lorne Malvo. Shoot Me, Please.”

  1. Oh. My. Gosh. I’ve been through similar hoops of hell in the internet world, and there’s nothing more frustrating. If it were to happen in an attempt to watch a show I was nuts over, I think I would not be responsible for my actions. So sorry!!!! -Amy

  2. Yeah, I wish I had no idea what you’re talking about. Being in the States, my interfaces look different, but the experience has been the same.

  3. This reminds me of trying to watch the Game of Thrones finale last Sunday! The Boyfran and I use a coworker’s HBOGo account (ahem) but it refused to work– turns out AT&T U-verse had some huge issue with connecting to HBO. I only found that out after I ranted about HBOGo and they replied… Oops 😉

  4. I wish I could tell you about Fargo, but I’m too busy being glad you got to see the Orang-utan placenta thing.

    Did you know, you don’t have to leave that kind of thing up to chance? All kinds of people put their home birth videos up on youtube these days, although admittedly I haven’t come across any placenta-eating. Then again, I haven’t looked. Have to put it on my to-do list!

    1. Hmmm. I think I may be staying away from that section on YouTube. The original Planet of the Apes freaked me out enough (and that was largely down to their monkey hair being groomed into bouffants). Ever since I’ve preferred to avoid all things simian. (Curious George is as far into the monkey realm as I’m happy to go.)
      In comparison the gore of Fargo was much less disturbing.

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