Why Men Shouldn’t Have Birthdays

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Today has been Husband’s birthday. I ticked the birthday boxes: presents, cake, an attempt to keep a lid on my hostility.

But, if I’m being honest, I don’t think men should have birthdays. Not the sort of thing you have to mark with kindness and party hats. Sound harsh? Maybe. But hear me out.

1) Men are too difficult to buy for.

For Husband’s 40th birthday I bought him an iPod. It broke my bank. Husband broke the iPod. I bought him a Kindle. He never used it. I bought him a watch. He never wore it. Ungrateful much? The year I bought him a paper shredder was a bigger hit. I really don’t understand.

And don’t forget how abysmal he was at buying a gift for me on my last birthday. In case you can’t be bothered to click on the link, a re-cap:

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I got this ๐Ÿ‘† when what I wanted was this๐Ÿ‘‡

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NOT the same.

And yet that didn’t stop me from searching all over town yesterday for the perfect presents. Except, and here’s the thing with men, HOW do you find the perfect present?!?! Because, by and large, if there’s something Husband wants he just goes and buys it. He’s just got back from Brazil, after all. That cost him thousands…and I was trying to match his expectations with something under ยฃ100? How is that ever NOT going to be a disappointment?

And as men don’t have the same range of generic yet beautiful ephemera that we girlies do it’s even harder.

So, yeah, life would be easier if man gifts didn’t have to happen. And although Husband claims to be happy with his suit carrier (because that’s what he asked for, so that’s what I searched high and low for) I doubt he’d have missed it if I hadn’t bought it. Or he’d have at least just gone and bought one for himself. And I could have saved myself a horrific, panic-inducing afternoon.

2) Every day is like a birthday anyway.

On my birthday I get dinner cooked for me. Just about every day Husband gets his dinner cooked for him. And he gets his pants washed, even though he can’t put them in the right compartment of the laundry bin. And the house cleaned (ish) without him doing his share, the shopping done, the kids wrangled so he can spend his evenings doing his thing and the toilet roll changed for him, just because he can never be bothered to do it. And then, because it’s his birthday, I have to go above and beyond (No, not that! I did the washing up on his behalf after his birthday tea) when actually there’s not enough time to do all the normal things in the day.

So then I get snarky because it’s not fair and that doesn’t make anyone happy. Best to call the whole thing off.

3) Shouldn’t we celebrate them growing UP rather than just growing OLD?

JM Barrie seemed to have the measure of men when he came up with the concept of the Lost Boys, as not growing up doesn’t seem to be a trait exclusive to Peter Pan and his gang.

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TinkerBell: No, I’m not the fucking cleaning fairy. Now go and pick up your own shit.

Husband thinks the world revolves around him. The last thing he really needs is a day when it really does. It just inflates his sense of self-importance.

Men should therefore not be allowed a birthday until they demonstrate that they fully accept that birthday treats are just that: a treat, NOT a divine right.

4) They just don’t appreciate cake enough.

A lot of effort goes into making a cake before I get to lick the bowl clean it’s ready to have candles stuck in it.

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Besides which, if there was one thing he would really like for his birthday it would possibly be to have his wife skinny again. And cake doesn’t help with that (especially when I’ve also licked the bowl clean). So an absence of cake would make the world (ok, my thighs, muffin top and bingo wings) a better place.

But then, what would I have to blog about? Plus it’s the big 5-0 for Husband next year. It seems wrong to cancel when there might be a proper party. Although if he decides he’s going away without me like he did for his 40th, or if he fails to adequately celebrate my also big, but not as big, birthday next year then consider the whole thing off.

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17 thoughts on “Why Men Shouldn’t Have Birthdays”

  1. Women. Always complaining. Cake? What’s wrong with a birthday 6 pack? And if you’re going to celebrate us growing up, who’s going to be able to decide that we’re fully grown? Or mature? Whatever you want to call it.

    1. Actually, a 6-pack. Now you’re talking my language!
      If you could give me a heads up on what to buy that isn’t completely shit, then maybe I’ll be willing to re-neg.

  2. This is how I feel about Father’s Day (and I got called out on it a couple of weeks ago, and didn’t deny it). My husband is actually pretty helpful and does a lot for us, but still… he’s a man and men are just different. I loved the part about celebrating them growing up! So true!
    Anyway, I don’t buy my husband anything for birthdays or other holidays, I just let him get what he wants/needs. Same deal for me. It works for us. And he doesn’t eat sweets so no cake- with 4 kids there’s always been enough cake around here anyway.
    Your hands are lovely btw! I would never put a pic of my hands on my blog- I guess I don’t take very good care of them.

    1. I think that’s a GREAT idea. He already gets himself whatever he wants whenever he wants it, but it’d mean I wouldn’t have to stress over naff presents just to fill a gift bag. I’d say ditto for him, although I’m not sure about how much he ‘stresses’ over gifts for me so much as picks up the first thing he falls into. (Sadly he’s never fallen into diamonds.) It would surely be beneficial to the planet to save future purchases of plastic jewellery.
      (Btw, thanks for the hand compliment. I caught it on a good day. Although Essie Grows Stronger has worked like a miracle on my nails. If definitely recommend it.)

    1. I reckon we should try an experiment where we keep ramming men into a bathroom until one of them works out how to change the loo roll. I think some may die in the crush though.

  3. Oh yes, your hands are very nice (despite all the crap jobs we women do, we still look after ourselves). I bought my husband a briefcase for a birthday and the first thing he said was, “Did you keep the receipt?” He went and changed it for one he liked better. I’m with you on the jewellery too…I thought I would make it easy for him, so I years ago asked for a charm bracelet (he can buy me a charm every birthday- easy). One year I asked for the old boot charm- he got me a thong (I think you would call it a flip flop)- NOT the same thing; still, at least he remembers when I remind him…he forgot 5 of my birthdays in a row!!!

    1. Ouch. Although I’m increasingly of the mind that presents for grown-ups should just stop being a thing. Instead the birthday boy/girl should be allowed to buy what they want. It’d save a lot if disappointment and shops would have to deal with a lot less exchanges and refunds.
      Either that or men really need to learn how to listen and realise the difference between boots and thongs.

  4. I totally agree. My husband took up golf last year which makes present buying so much easier. To be honest he doesn’t appreciate the efforts I go to – breakfast in bed , gluten free cake (he has coeliac disease) etc. I do it mainly for the kids as they love birthdays. X

    1. Oh, I know where you’re coming from. I made him a football-shaped cake this year, but it was as much for Boo’s sake than his. Well, and mine as I got to eat the cake mix. ๐Ÿ˜‰

    2. A hobby DEFINITELY makes things easier when it comes to gift buying. If men insist on the continuation of birthdays then they should be obliged to have an easy-to-buy-for interest. ๐Ÿ™‚

  5. Hahaha. Love this post because I soooo agree with every point. I have the same problem with finding a present. Once I saved up to buy him this super duper Nike golf driver he’s been looking at on the internet for his birthday. Anyways, he had this funny look on his face when he unwrapped it. I asked him if I got the wrong one, he said ‘no, it’s the right one. But I am left-handed’. Yep. No birthday presents would have been easier. And anyway, they always complain about getting old, so if we cancel the birthdays, they won’t get older ๐Ÿ˜›

    1. Oooh. Now, if it was a girl friend she’d have been grateful at the trouble and expense you’d gone to, then just taken it back to the shop to get the right one. Men are just too blunt. He was lucky he didn’t end up wearing it!
      And as Husband still LOOKS like he’s in his mid-30s, despite being 49 (although his body feels more appropriately aged), I think his birthdays should at least be cancelled until his face catches up. Although I like being younger than him (for gloating and the hope that I’ll have a good innings without him once death does us part) so I may have to stop counting myself too.

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