At a One Direction Movie No One Can Hear You Scream


Now, I’m not adverse to cheesy pop. I’m not a music snob like Teflon Man. To be honest, I haven’t got time for challenging rhythms and in-depth lyrics that need dissertation-level analysis to be appreciated. So if five pretty boys want to sing simple ditties about love and stuff then it’s fine by me if Boo wants to listen to them.

I’m even happy for some of the songs to get stuck in my head. Well, it makes a change from sodding Frozen songs.

And yet I felt I was taking one for the team taking Boo to the cinema today to watch the One Direction concert movie.


Where we were, as it happened, was sat in our normal cinema, surrounded by other tweens and their parents, paying over the odds to watch those five pretty boys sing their little ditties in front of a crowd of 80,000 screaming Italian teenage girls (and possibly a couple if Italian teenage boys). £12.00 for my ticket alone?! If I hadn’t charged the whole thing to Teflon’s card I would have choked on my popcorn.

And they made us listen to the five pretty boys not just sing but also talk. Couldn’t we just get on with the songs already? Still, I can now differentiate between the pretty boys beyond Harry (the very pretty pretty one) and Niall (the blond baby-faced pretty one). I learnt that Liam (the unshaved pretty one) is the only one who can get through a concert without going for a wee and Louis is really bloody annoying and has a squeaky little talking voice that Boo didn’t appreciate me laughing at. Zayn I could probably still walk past in the street without recognising who he was. Which is a shame because I’d like to ask him why he can’t spell his name properly like a normal person.


Not that he’d probably hear me anyway. To spend so much time surrounded by so many thousands of people screaming at you, it’s got to do something to the hearing.


It’d do my nut. An hour of Dolby 7.0 surround sound was enough. So much screaming. So much crying.

How exciting to be picked from the crowd by the camera, to have a moment on the big screen, testament to your devotion to the five singing pretty boys. But as a blubbering wreck? Mascara-streaked and snot-nosed because Harry may have glanced in your (one) direction? Seriously, girls, play it cool.


(And, yes, maybe it’s just sour grapes because I never got to see Bros in concert in 1989 or whatever.)

And there the younger generation were at the cinema, in all their innocence following in the footsteps of the screaming girls, singing along and jiffling in their seats with excitement.

To be honest, it could have been worse. Everyone under the age of 20 looked like they were having a good time and it was1-D Lite. To have actual concert tickets would have been a bigger experience, but it would have been a pain in the arse too. And a heck of a lot more expensive. Hopefully Boo will be happy to wait until she can go to such things unchaperoned, or I’d be in the crowd screaming for a completely different set of reasons. Not that anyone would hear me.

And surely it’s only a matter of time before this:


becomes this:


I’d bet an admission ticket on it being a different group of five pretty boy singers to scream at by then mind you. Which is a shame as I think I’ve finally learnt the lyrics to Best Song Ever (even over all the screaming).


11 thoughts on “At a One Direction Movie No One Can Hear You Scream”

  1. They came to Oz last year, tickets went on sale 15 months (!!!!!) prior and my then 14 year old HAD TO GO. Not only that, I had to get tix in the pre sale (ooh boy was that a rort) for 2 friends as well. Fast forward 14 months, one friend no longer a friend, other couldn’t give a ….. whether or not she went and my girl didn’t like them any more. I on sold the tix at no profit to some tweenies who had missed out the previous year. Moral of the story: Do not listen to a fickle teenager about anything more than 1 week into the future!

    1. Apparently it’s all about Seven Seconds of Summer now…but as I’VE heard of them, that’s probably their death knell too!
      I shall use your experience as an example in years to come as to why I shan’t be forking out on tickets for anything long-term, and so I thank you in advance. Xx

      1. Ha ha, you’re welcome! My daughter’s school ball is 3 months away and she thankfully has her frugal head screwed on for this, designer gown half price imported from the USA, Jimmy Chho heels borrowed from the mother of a,friend…she has asked to have her hair blow-dried which I am happy to entertain. One mother told me years ago that “the school ball is like a wedding”! This was to justify the $3000+ (Australian) she and her daughter spent!!!
        Be afraid…be very afraid!

      2. When the twins had their prom I was seriously skint. So they had £50 dresses from TK Maxx, shoes bought in a 70% off sale (they were so strappy and impractical I suspect it was actually 70% off the shoe as well as the price!) and I did their hair and make-up. They looked gorgeous for just over £100 each. And at the end of the day, it’s just a jumped-up school disco and they were going back after the summer to do their A levels so it wasn’t even as if they were leaving the school.
        The only point in the proceedings where I felt I should have done more was the big arrival. I was the only normal car (Renault Clio with a gaffa-taped wing mirror) amongst limos, horse-drawn caravans and an ice cream van. And a huge crowd gathered to watch. How embarrassing.

  2. i would like to sing a song with them . but it is tooo long to reach near them. i am in india , kerala known as the gods own country. ……………… i was sad because of not seeing them because it is is one of aim.,but they always make me happy by thier wonderful song ……

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