You’d never think it to look at me, but once upon a time I was skinny. Not just thin, but a proper skinny Minnie. Then I discovered that when dinner wasn’t all about gristly mince and peas and plastic turkey and sausages with dubious filling that I actually liked food. And over the years I’ve gone from being faddy to being a fattie! Not good.
If you put more calories in than you expend then fat gets laid down. It seems so easy in principle, but it doesn’t stop me from stuffing more grub into my face five minutes later.
I need some self-control.
Because it seems that all my skinny friends come with shedloads of self-control. Whether it’s resisting carbs or meat or not eating dinner, self-denial seems to key. To be fair, some of it brinks on an eating disorder, but I don’t want to be uber-thin, I just don’t want to shudder when I look at a photograph of myself.
But the thing is, our time on the planet is brief – there are so many meals that can be eaten in that time. I refuse to waste those meals on slim shakes or wheatgrass. Even if Kate Moss is right and nothing tastes as good as skinny feels, nothing tastes as good as bacon.
Denying myself slim shakes and wheatgrass hasn’t worked though. I need a plan.
And then it struck me: what if I eliminate foodstuffs not based on food groups or anything so logical, but on the alphabet? What if I stuck to only foods beginning with ‘ch’?!
Obviously, I wouldn’t ACTUALLY recommend this as a proper concept in eating. But still, I think I could cope if I was limited to the following:
Actually, I’m already sort of regretting not going for a ‘c’-food diet as otherwise it could be coffee and croissants for breakfast. Instead I’d be stuck with Cheerios. Not the same.
Maybe I’d just go for a chocolat chaud (hot chocolate)…or is that cheating so early on? Oh well, I normally skip breakfast anyway.
Say ‘cheese!’ as that would mostly be lunch. I could cope with that though. It still gives you almost an entire supermarket aisle to play with. Cheddar, Cheshire and Chevre Blanc would obviously be the preferred option, but the cheese umbrella would still allow for other cheesy choices. Especially served with chutney.
Cheese and chicory salad would definitely be permissible. I think I could cope with that.
Or on a colder day chowder could be the go-to option. (We’ll just turn a blind eye on the constituent parts, shall we?)
Or nip out for a cheeky cheeseburger! Positively recommended on the ‘ch’ diet!
Chicken and chips may not be a particularly healthy choice, but in terms of the rules of the diet it couldn’t be better!
Or how about a chilli?
Or something with chorizo?
Or, if you want a night off from cooking a Chinese takeaway is still permissible, especially chicken chow mein or chop suey! What’s not to like?!
Yes, you can have your cake and eat it…just as long as it’s chocolate. Or cheesecake!
Or, even better, a chestnut and chocolate charlotte! I’d never even heard of one before a google stumble, but I can see some further investigation pending.
Or, how about some deep-fried churros with melted chocolate to dip them in?
Choux pastry, chantilly cream and chocolate sauce would all be more than acceptable, both to the rules and the diet…which essentially means chocolate eclairs are allowed. Which has to be a good thing.
And Chelsea buns too. Marvellous! Another bonus point for the cherry!
Or just bring on a mountain of chocolate. Always an adequate option!
Aw, water is out! So no more guilt about not drinking 8 glasses a day. Instead, how about 8 glasses a day of champagne or chianti?
By which point you’ll be too sozzled to have the inclination to spend the evening scoffing foods of any letter of the alphabet. Perfect!
Looking at the options though I’m not entirely convinced that it would lead to weight loss. Liver damage and increased cholesterol more likely, and that’s NOT the effect I was after. But at least I wouldn’t begrudge the meals. I’d just be fattest food bore on the block. Oh well, back to the drawing board and the size 14s, I guess.