So, in surprising news, Kim Kardashian has an arse. Who knew?
Oh, that’s right, ALL OF US! Even those of us who aren’t really sure who Kim Kardashian is. But still, it was very kind of her to so publicly re-iterate that for us. Some of us hadn’t really been thinking about it – and thus about her – for a few minutes, so, y’know, it was thoughtful of her to so kindly remind us.
Although I now can’t help but fear that arse-glazing may be the next big thing. Because having a bottom that resembles two Krispy Kreme donuts is…well, it’s weird, really, but that hasn’t stopped things from becoming a look before. A wax, vajazzle and arse-glaze will surely be the holy trinity of getting your nether regions in a hot mess before Christmas. Hmmm, I think I’ll pass.
But I also thought Kim was trying to be all classy? Maybe she thinks she was, the balance-a-champagne-glass-on-your-arse being the height of artistic pastiche chic after all. (And then, I assume, having got soaked in champagne one just had to happily take one’s clothes off and be photographed whilst doing so…or something?)
Or maybe it’s a compulsive affliction of poor Kim’s and she can’t stop herself from exposing her cheeks to the blaze of the sun/media’s gaze. It must be hard for her, the poor petal, trying so desperately to keep it posh but then – oops! – there it is! Maybe it’s lunar. A full moon for a full moon and she really can’t help herself.
But if it is a desperate self-promotion thing, may I make the following suggestions as they seem to have worked for their respective celebs for whom we can’t hear their name without thinking of their backsides. And without the rest of us having to be visually assaulted with an Instagram feed dedicated to new posterior pictures:
1) Arse of roses a la Cheryl Cole
OK, it’s not exactly classy. But it is what you tend to think of when you think of Cheryl Cole/Tweedy/Fernandez-Versini. More than ‘oh, she’s got a new surname, fancy that?’ More than ‘wow, she’s made some bad choices,’ as a judge on the X Factor. More than ‘I really must get me some of that Elnett Hairspray.’ No, it’s ‘I wonder if she regrets that damn great arse tattoo yet?’
Still, her new husband is rather cute and she seems happy (apart from when she’s glaring daggers at girls who can sing better than she can). And although we all still think about her backside more than most people’s, she hasn’t had to whip it out since. It’d be nice if Kim would do the same.
2) Gold charity shop hot pants a la Kylie Minogue
It’s fourteen years – fourteen years! since Kylie writhed on a bar in her 50p gold lamé hot pants and resurrected her career. OK, her pert bottom has been flashed many a time since, but never – and this is the important part – in its entirety. It’s always a peek, a flash of cheek, a hint. When they say ‘less is more’ they’re referring to the exposed flesh not the amount of clothing, which may be where Kim’s gone wrong.
For the record, those hot pants got a starring role in an exhibition at the V&A museum. I can’t imagine Kim’s fallen dress earning the same accolade.
3) A well-fitting bridesmaid’s dress a la Pippa Middleton
Kate Middleton’s wedding was, obviously, a big deal. Not since Charles & Diana had we been so enchanted by the creation of a princess (until they told us she’d not actually become a princess but merely a Duchess, which is obviously less every-girl’s-dream because who dresses up as a Duchess when they’re little and covered in tulle and sequins?).
But it didn’t take long for the focus to shift away from the nuptials (because, actually, royal weddings are supremely dull) and onto a) debate as to when exactly Prince Harry became the hot one and b) Pippa Middleton’s arse.
And to gain all the hysteria and hype she didn’t have to expose even the teeniest tiniest bit of bum crack. She merely wore that dress well. The power of clothing: far more enticing than masses of over-photoshopped flesh.
Moreover, her celebrity remains fixated on that moment, that dress. Ask a random selection what exactly it is she’s done since and…errr…umm…most would be hard-pressed to think of anything. Which may mean that she’s not sold her soul to the media (although she’ll be there on the pages of Hello! and sat on the front row of London Fashion Week/court side at Wimbledon/at the opening of an envelope, so maybe not). But she doesn’t do all that with her arse hanging out because that’s what she’s famous for. She’s too busy sitting on it to be flashing it about.
But maybe that’s what Kim would be best doing: just taking a seat, rather than touting it around, shoving it in everyone’s face like an over-excited baboon.
No, Kim, if you really want to shock us put your bum away, step away from the self-publicity and actually do something that helps someone other than yourself, because, truly, we know what your arse looks like now. We will always now remember what your arse looks like. Next time you think we’ve forgotten, really we haven’t. So sit on it and move on because no one wants to be known for being an arse.