The Internet: Proof That It’s Better To Be Online

Well, it seems – touch wood! – that we’ve avoided the potential nightmare of HAVING NO HOME INTERNET. Talk Talk has taken over the reins and Teflon Man didn’t make a hash of connecting up the new box, so we’re still all online. (Now just to work out how to connect it up to the TV so at least we can watch iPlayer on a proper screen rather than on my phone. For those (rare) nights when I don’t just fall into a sleep of the dead at the same time as the kids. Which is why iPlayer is vital!)

But Phew! Because just the thought of no internet as a possibility makes me shudder. No access to Google to search for anything/everything on a whim. No chance to vent my feelings or catch up with friends without the need to actually speak to them. Let alone confronting how so much of my entertainment – and I that of the kids! – comes from the little box of electronics that we carry in our hands. What would I do with all of those hours? Would I actually accomplish things in the real world?!?!

Or would I be too busy pacifying small people with too many hours in their days with no zoning out time? Would my house survive with an even greater deluge of toys and crafts? Would my family survive having to engage in mutual pursuits and conversation?!

After all, we are addicts. Internet junkies. It’s the first thing I check in the morning, the last thing I do at night. It’s worrying.

But it’s also wonderful! It brings the world to our fingertips, opening up our options and making everything accessible. How did we cope before it? Back when we used to just have to wonder about stuff or flick through books or make phone calls or venture outside to find things out! Who wants to go back to a life like that?!?!

I mean, imagine the difference the internet could have made to these people:

Janet Leigh’s Marion Crane in Psycho

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One glance at Trip Advisor would have warned her away from Bates’ Motel. Drive on another five minutes, sleep soundly for the night and make a clean getaway with the money.

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Snow White

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It can’t be easy preparing meals for eight in the middle of the woods with no supermarket to hand. Maybe that’s why she was so eager to accept the poisoned apple from the beggar woman.

An Ocado delivery would have been far more reliable. Their ready-meals selection would have cut down on all that time slaving over a bubbling pot of stew for the dwarves. Plus, they don’t sell poisoned apples, which would obviously have saved a lot of trouble.

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Shirley Valentine

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No need to talk to the Wall when you could talk to other bored housewives online on Mumsnet. Perhaps realise that flitting off to Greece and shagging an accented and moustached Tom Conti isn’t the answer to life’s doldrums. Or maybe it still is.

That kid out of Dead Poets Society

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Ok, he didn’t want to go to medical school, instead wanting to be an actor. But one look at Harvard’s faculty website would have shown a wide-range of extra-curricular activities. Go to uni, join the drama group. Don’t hang yourself.

Harry and Sally

Could they have fallen in love so much sooner had they not kept losing track, instead stalking each other’s holiday photos and funny GIFs on Facebook? Harry’s Twitter feed would have been full of witty quips of 140 characters or less. How could Sally not have been smitten?

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Or would Harry have just got fed up with Sally’s constant stream of foodie Instagram pics with everything ‘on the side’? (Cos you just know she would have definitely have done that.)

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Cruel Intentions’ Kathryn

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Rather than being outed as a bitch she could have just laid it on the line with a catty blog and witty pseudonym. Everyone expects bitchiness online, so she could have been proud of her mean-spirited machinations rather than being undone by the revelations of her secret diary. It’s worked out for Perez Hilton after all.

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Elsa

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Feeling my cut off due to ice powers that she doesn’t know how to control, she’d have only been a web forum away from other sufferers with sympathy and solutions. The fear would have been taken away, and she’d have stopped freezing everything in sight.

The trolls would have found themselves fighting a blackened reputation however.

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Harry Potter

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Is it just me, or was it a bit weird that you could have a whole school of teenagers after the internet revolution and NOT A SINGLE ONE OF THEM had a laptop/smart phone?!?! Ok, they were witches and wizards, but still, a lot of them came from Muggle backgrounds. Surely, someonewould have had an iPhone?

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Flying broomsticks and magic wands are cool, but surely Skype is better than trying to talk to a face in a fire and Facebook better than that annoying wizard wireless that drives them insane in the woods. Google could have sorted out How to Destroy a Horcrux easier than Dumbledore’s riddles and with his rejection of all things Muggle, Voldemort could have been felled by Snapchat!

Jesus

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Imagine how much easier it would have been to spread the word with a blog, Twitter account and Facebook? Imagine all those miracles going viral on YouTube!

He’d have still ended up being punished for our sins – look no further than Raif Badawi to see how authorities handle outspoken bloggers even today. Sorry, Jesus. Kim Kardashian may have broken the internet, but we would have still broken you.

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5 thoughts on “The Internet: Proof That It’s Better To Be Online”

  1. There was a Seinfeld episode where the gang tries to meet up to go to a movie, all coming from different places at different times. Last time I saw it, it hit me: This totally makes no sense now! People rave and moan about how technology is dooming our society, but you know what? I’m a lot better informed now that I have Google than I was when I was a kid and had to rely on the aging encyclopedia my parents bought me. Though it was pretty fun to flip through those pages on a Sunday afternoon…

    1. Kids will never understand how we coped in the days before technology. At least, not until the apocalypse.
      Those old encyclopaedias certainly make for entertaining reading now. Especially the ones written in the 50s by paternalistic white men with a thing about Empire.

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