I don’t go to the cinema much. Not because I don’t want to, but y’know, when there are bedtime routines to be dealt with it doesn’t seem fair to bail out in order to sit in a dark room. (Unless you’re Teflon Man. Teflon Man has no such qualms and gets upset if he doesn’t rack up 52 cinema visits a year. Equality is not a word applied to the Gluestick family.) Besides, stick me in a dark room and chances are I’ll fall asleep. It IS bedtime after all.

So, I wait for things to come out on DVD. But, because Blockbuster no longer rules, it’s either the case that I forget about checking for any films I can download or I see something sat on the shelves in Sainsbury’s, but buying a film I may not need to watch again seems like a big commitment. So I don’t bother.

Of recent years I am a cinematically uncultured Luddite.


I LOVE the Oscars. (And the BAFTAS, even though they’re a bit shit compared with the Oscars.) Except, I don’t have the capacity to watch them any more (and I have tried – computer says no). Sitting up through the night to sit through online/Twitter news feeds isn’t the same as wrapping up in a blanket and snoozing through the more boring categories. So instead I shall sleep. But, damn I wish I was watching.

In the spirit of the ceremony though, I shall make my predictions to see whether not seeing the movies involved hinders my guesses in anyway.


Tough call. If only because I have no clue. Too many bio-pics rule each other out. The Hurt Locker won in 2009, so I’m ruling out American Sniper because they’ve been there, done that, so I’m expecting Birdman to take it. Obviously I’m likely to be wrong.


They like to give this to an older bloke, don’t they? Or was that just with Little Miss Sunshine? Anyway, I’m expecting JK Simmons to get it. If only because he’s older, but also because the clips I’ve seen have been of him being suitably tense and shouty.


I’ve actually seen Into the Woods. At the cinema! I liked it, but I couldn’t look at Meryl Streep’s Witch without thinking of Margaret Thatcher. So,no. Besides, she has plenty already.

Everyone’s saying Patricia Arquette’s got it in the bag, so she can have my guess too. Knocks that BAFTA right off the mantelpiece.


Now, of all the categories, this is the one I should know what I’m talking about. Except, Teflon Man has taken over chaperoning the kids to the cinema too of late (how desperate to hit your target can you be? But, as they’ll happily fleece every penny out of you on chocolate buttons and popcorn at the tills, he’s welcome to it). The only film I saw with them last year was the table football tale The Unbeatables. I’m not surprised it’s not on the list – it should have been named The Unbearables. There’s a couple of hours of my life I’m never getting back. I feel robbed.

Big Hero 6 was very good apparently. Boo’s adopted the fist bump and taught it to Noodles and Teflon Man came home raving about all the references to other films (yawn). So maybe. But Boo also loved the Box Trolls. The animation freaked my out a bit on that one though, but maybe that will work in its favour. So, I’ll go with The BoxTrolls.

(PS Personally I’m glad The Lego Movie wasn’t up there. I’d happily never seen that film again. Unfortunately it’s one of Noodles’ favourites. Everything in my world is NOT awesome.)


Here I have even less of an idea. But please don’t let it be Everything is Awesome. That ear worm has lost me sleep! Nothing that loses me sleep deserves a shiny gong.

Instead, stick a pin in it: Gloryfrom Selma. I imagine it’s stirring stuff.


For committing 12 years to making a story it’s surely got to be Richard Linklater, hasn’t it?


Again, too many bio-pics that would have to cancel each other out. Eddie Redmayne playing a scientist tortured by his genius and physical disability vs Benedict Cumberbatch playing a scientist tortured by his genius and sexuality.

But Michael Keaton is essentially playing himself. Which is meant to be harder isn’t it? For the novelty of it I’m predicting him.


Well done to Reece Witherspoon for creating a production company to create strong female characters…and then giving herself the lead! Still, walking and crying doesn’t really float my boat, so I won’t be giving the award to her.

Again, amazingly, I got to see Gone Girl. Rosamund Pike was chilling. But she also killed Neil Patrick Harris, which is just a rude thing to do to the Oscar host. Snub.

I can’t imagine them awarding it to a film they’ve had to sit through subtitles for (sorry, Marion) and I hate the way one British win has our press hailing the invasion of the Brits the next morning, so I’m hoping it’s not Felicity Jones. My tick’s going to Julieanne Moore.

And the other categories are the ones I sleep through anyway, even when I did used to be able to watch.

Now let’s see just how wrong I am…


4 thoughts on “Predictions”

  1. Ha! Not a bad set of guesses! Richard Linklater was robbed (12 years, man!…but then I didn’t see the films) and Eddie Redmayne got best actor. And Big Hero 6 won best animation. But the others: BOOM!

  2. I’m sorry to say I have NO idea how well you did with your predictions. Not only did I not watch last night, our newspaper carrier couldn’t be bothered (yet again) to deliver our paper this morning. I’m pop-culturally ignorant, as usual.

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