It’s fair to say I’m not a morning person. Teflon Man knows better than to speak to me first thing. (Sadly he doesn’t yet know better than to eat his breakfast in bed, walk around in his shoes, leave the tap running or slam the front door, but we’ve only been married for 10 years and these things take time to learn. Apparently.) But anyway, TM’s habits aside, the alarm clock is my nemesis. Setting it last thing at night is tragic.
The calculations required to determine optimal waking time in themselves are enough to induce insomnia and involves a checklist of things I need to do from which I can work backwards.
If it’s a school day the kids need to be up at 7.50 as a rule, else we risk leaving the house without breakfast or pants.
Days when I don’t have to work are the easiest. No need for hair or make-up. I’ve been known to change into a pair of jeans and pull a coat over my pj top before now. I’ve felt skanky for doing it, but sometimes needs must. Why dress just to then undress to shower? And I’ve not hot rock bottom of doing the home time school run in an undisguised onesie and slippers, so I’m doing better than one specific mum at the school gates.
Generally, though, in a world of preparation and proactivity, the latest I can get up is 7.30. However…
Do I need to shower? If yes, take away 30 minutes snooze time. Yuk. (Also hope this doesn’t clash with Teflon Man’s scheduled shower, because he’s one stubborn git when it comes to his morning routine…hence the breakfast/shoes/tap/door thing.)
Do I know what to wear? If no, take away 10 minutes. If yes, is it ready to wear? If no, take away 10 minutes.
Do I have to juggle multiple bags/kids on the school run and be in three places at once at 8.30? If yes, take away 10 minutes so I can drop my bike at the nursery and not be quite so horrendously late to work.
Are the school bags packed? If no, take away 5 minutes.
Is Boo having school dinner? If yes, have you got any cash? If not (and it’s always NOT!) take 5 minutes to go to the station cash point, another 5 to break into the tenner to get change. If it’s packed lunch is it already made? If yes, result! If no, damn it! Take away 5 minutes.
If it’s all going wrong and the first number starts with a six then I’m not a happy bunny.
But the number is dutifully flicked on my alarm and I sigh at the lack of hours between sleeping and waking…
…And then the alarm goes off. And I hit snooze. And I end up playing catch-up and doing my make-up at my desk.
Oh balls. Better luck tomorrow.