Porcine Body Parts

Is it possible to make a pig’s ear out of a pig’s leg? In Teflon Man’s case, absolutely!

  

Now rumour has it, some people have immaculate, sparkly kitchens with work tops void of anything but tasteful-yet-essential utensils. (Or is that just on Pinterest?) 

  

Not my kitchen.

  

No, not mine either.

  

*Sigh*

Generally speaking though, there still tends to be room for me to cook and plate up amongst the tubs of peanut butter and tins of lunchbox goodies. There is still room for me to do my thing.

Or at least there was.

And then Teflon Man decided he needed to buy a leg of Serrano ham. Lidl was doing a special deal on them and who doesn’t like Serrano ham?

Yes, I like a nice slice of dry-cured ham… But when it comes in pre-sliced packets that fit so neatly in the fridge. Not when it’s a whole pig’s leg – complete with trotter – sat on the worktop in my kitchen!

  

‘Seriously, what are we going to do with that?!’ I asked, not unreasonably, I feel.

‘We can hang it up and slice bits off. It’ll last for ages,’ TM replied.

Those of you who’ve read my blog for a bit can imagine my overjoyed response to the prospect of having a porcine joint hanging in my kitchen for several months. 

My kitchen is NOT some domestic version of Jamie’s Italian! What look great in a traditional charceuterie does NOT translate to the home.

  

Also not my kitchen.

I was even less thrilled when he told me how we only needed to wipe any bits of mould off and keep on eating it.

Considering how long the Independence Day mango hung around our kitchen before being binned I was increasingly concerned.

By the time he was showing me slicing methods on YouTube I was also pretty much convinced that there would be at least one trip to A&E in our future, quite possibly with severed fingers on ice.

  

‘It’s ok. My mum’s got a spare holder and knife for Serrano ham at home,’ he said. So, I put up with the damn leg on my worktop for a fortnight before the logistics could be sorted for its delivery. She delivered it on Saturday and Teflon Man set about its construction.

  

Experience has taught me to stay out of the way when Teflon Man is doing anything practical. There was a lot of banging at one point…and quite a few expletives.

Once it had all quietened down I ventured into the kitchen. There was no guarantee that Teflon Man would still be breathing, after all. 

‘How’s it going?’ I tentatively asked as he wrestled with a screw and the main board. 

He’d clearly not got very far.

‘Fucking piece of shit. It keeps splitting and there’s no instructions and this fucking screw doesn’t fit…’

He demonstrated how the screw was clearly too long for the thickness of the board so that the holder for the ham would never fix tightly. Plus the hole drilled for the screw wasn’t deep enough and had been done on the skwink.

It was making IKEA flat pack look like the king of all product design.

‘And the banging?’

‘Well, there’s a drawer and I didn’t know which way it went up, so I tried it this way [patently upside down] and it got stuck. So I had to hammer it out. And it split.’

‘But what made you think you had to put it in upside down. It’s obviously a drawer for holding knives. If you put it in upside down incredibly sharp knives are going to fall out, which doesn’t seem like a good idea to me.’

Seriously, this man has a degree. He has a job that requires a substantial amount of intelligence. And yet…

I took Boo to dancing and went shopping.

When I got back the ham was still sat on the kitchen worktop, rather than in its holster.

‘The board’s in the bin,’ Teflon Man dead panned.

And thus the ham is still sat on the worktop. The packaging had been opened slightly however as Teflon Man attempted to use the knife. I sliced a bit off.

It tasted disgusting!

And thus Teflon Man has indeed managed to make a pig’s ear out of its leg. 

How long I’ll have to put up with the porcine disaster for is anyone’s guess too. *Sigh*

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27 thoughts on “Porcine Body Parts”

  1. Even if you have a little clutter in your kitchen, NO ONE deserves a pig leg on their countertop, for Pete’s sake. And the worst thing is you’d have to actually touch it to make it disappear. Not fair.

    I was just musing yesterday on a phrase used by one of my favorite authors, supposedly handed down from her genteel southern grandmother: “common as pig tracks.” It’s used to describe anyone/anything that’s over-the-top trashy. Pigs don’t get a lot of respect. That’s why their bits do NOT belong on our kitchen counters.

    1. ‘Common as pig’s tracks.’ I love that!

      But no, a pig’s leg definitely does NOT belong on my kitchen worktop. The problem is, what do I do with it instead?! Where exactly is it appropriate to store a limb of ham?!

  2. Truly, those kitchens are staged, and belong to no real person !! This is such a funny post..I would hate pig parts in my work space. ok..maybe a slab of bacon ??? ☺ Van

  3. This makes me grateful my husband only impulse purchases computer crap and gardening stuff. At least I can shove that stuff in his office or the shed. 🙂 Good luck.

      1. Oh yes, we’ve been together since 1985 and to this day our neighbours keep saying, “You haven’t trained him very well have you?” (accompanied by loud guffaws- grr). I think mine is probably untrainable… I tried, I truly did, but it was to no avail and I gave up eventually. Every year, the Christmas ham is bought and lingers for weeks until most of it is thrown (hmm, imagine a 7 kg ham festering in the summer heat in the rubbish bin… the one thing I will say is that mangos do get eaten in this house!).

  4. I love this! I work in Lidls…sadly…and those bloody things are stupidly huge! Its not fun trying to get that through the till and try to not scan it twice on its way through. Fair play, Lidls have nice food :p

  5. This was hilarious! Is the leg still on your bench or have you disposed of it? What a shame it tastes disgusting. Did anyone like it? Carve it up and hand it out to the neighbours??

    1. The leg is still with us. I’ve had to move it onto a side table for the sake of the Easter roast.
      My sister thought I was crazy not to like it…until SHE tried it and had to spit it out. Teflon Man is convinced it’s worth it though and keeps hacking bits off. The trail of discarded bits of pig skin isn’t adding to the appeal.

      1. Sounds like Teflon Man is going to be eating the whole leg by himself. It should be delicious but it just sounds so gross! What a shame.

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