An imaginary conversation
Mother Nature: Right, it’s nearly May, time for our audit before we roll forward into full-on spring. British Weather, you’re up, where are we?
British Weather [trying to sidle away, unnoticed]: Err, well, err…we had an optimistic start to spring. Lots of sunshine, warmth, things starting to blossom.
Mother Nature: You didn’t get too over-excited, did you? I know how you get a bit premature and run out of enthusiasm and July and August just end up being a bit meh.
British Weather [looks guilty as charged].
Mother Nature: Anything else you need to tell us?
British Weather [mumbles incomprehensibly.]
Mother Nature: Sorry? What was that?
British Weather: Err, I may have forgotten to do winter.
Mother Nature: Again?! You forgot to do winter AGAIN?!?! What have I told you about winter? You’ve got to give ’em winter to make them grateful for the pitiful weather the rest of the year. Jesus Christ, British Weather!
British Weather: Sorry. I just got a bit distracted by all the Christmas parties and everything.
Mother Nature: And what about our supplies? We had too much sleet and snow in reserve as it was.
British Weather: Yeah, err, we might have quite a lot in the store room right now.
Mother Nature: And what do you suggest we do with it?
British Weather: Make gin slushies with it?
Mother Nature: No! We will not make gin slushies with it!
British Weather: Ok. How about we dump it in the Arctic Circle? Stop those polar ice caps from melting for an extra five minutes.
Mother Nature: No. That won’t do. This is British snow. Giving it to anywhere else will mess up my weather reports.
British Weather: Oh. Ok.
Mother Nature: But I don’t want it sitting on the reports for the spring carry forward. There’s only one thing we can do: we’re going to have to dump it on them now.
All weathers: *Collective gasp*
British Weather: Now? But it’s nearly May!!!
Mother Nature: Exactly! We can’t have this sort of thing going on into spring proper. We have to off-load it now.
British Weather: But it’s just wrong.
Mother Nature: Well, maybe that’ll teach you not to forget in the future.
British Weather: Ok. I’ll do it tonight when everyone’s asleep.
Mother Nature: You will do no such thing. I want people to realise your mistake. You’ll drop it just before the school run. Just out of the blue: a massive hail storm that turns everything white within the minute. Then, the next day, sleet and snow during people’s lunch break. And if you’re still not done, there’s the bank holiday coming up: you can dump the rest then.
British Weather: But that’s not fair!
Mother Nature: Since when was I fair?
British Weather: But people will talk!
Mother Nature: This is Britain – they love to talk about the weather. It’ll be right up their street. It’ll be all over the Internet; they’ll love it.
And so it came to pass: winter weather all over the shop! A blanket of hail that threatened the school run – it’s all that was talked about at the school gates (which made a change from the usual grumblings about homework). Sleet and snow at lunchtime today, enough for people to get excited about the prospect of a Sales v Lettings snowball fight. We start singing ‘oh I wish it could be Christmas every day,’ and post snowy pics to Instagram. Ok, it’s a bit sad to get excited about a flurry, but a) we didn’t get any snow all winter and b) it’s almost May. And c) we’re British!