3:12am Questions


How can a toddler’s batteries be charged so quickly? How do they not understand the concept of ‘if it’s dark you sleep’? (Which, to be honest, should be the easy part when you’ve also got to convince them to still sleep even though ‘the sky is awake,’ to coin a term from Frozen. Can I get Elsa as a nocturnal babysitter? I’ll put up with the house turning to ice if it means I can sleep.)


How can I convince a perky Noodles that it’s not time to watch Cut the Rope demos on YouTube* or flick his way through his books? Without waking the entire house and most of the neighbours with a meltdown so terrific it would probably register on the Richter scale?

*What compels grown man Zach Scott to make YouTube videos about app games anyway?

How naive am I to believe that he wanted a banana (which now sits on the little table, untouched)?

Is it ok to snooze on the sofa whilst he wears his batteries down? How fucked is his sleep pattern going to be tomorrow? How am I going to not look like death at work? Why hasn’t the contact lens I lost in my eye worked it’s way out yet? I’m going to look like I’ve been to a one-person party with Hack Daniels as my drinking buddy, aren’t I?


When will he finally get the hang of sleeping though the night? What if he never does?!